Yeah, that’s a gadget we all want. Breaking the law is a really amusing way to pass the time; losing our job because we’re late for work is just too entertaining to pass up, and to lose our money on top of it is the best! And to be able to do it all at one time! Introducing the Money Shredding Alarm Clock. Here’s the deal:
It’s time to go to bed. You take a few dollar bills (the currency of your choice) and stick them in the Money Shredding Alarm Clock. If you do not get up and you hit the snooze button when the alarm goes off, the alarm starts shedding those dollar bills and keeps right on going.
The next morning: You sleep right through the alarm. You have now not only shredded your money, you have broken the law.
The FDIC states:
18 U.S.C. § 333: Mutilation of national bank obligations
Whoever mutilates, cuts, defaces, disfigures, or perforates, or unites or cements together, or does any other thing to any bank bill, draft, note, or other evidence of debt issued by any national banking association, or Federal Reserve bank, or the Federal Reserve System, with intent to render such bank bill, draft, note, or other evidence of debt unfit to be reissued, shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than six months, or both.
So now you have torn up your money and are wanted by the police. Since you slept through the alarm, you are now late for work. You have already been issued three warnings for being late for work too many times, which is why you bought the alarm clock in the first place. You take off for work, end up going 75 mph in a 45 mph zone and get pulled over for speeding (nah, that’s a joke, your day is already bad enough, let’s not make it worse), pull into the parking lot, race to your office, and find your boss and her supervisor sitting there, looking somber, having already drawn up the paperwork for your termination. You leave, head hanging, and realize that because of your fine alarm clock, you have no money to even stop and get a pick-me-up-because-this-day-stinks Egg McMuffin. You have no job. You have to watch your rearview mirror constantly because you are up against a fine of up to five thousand dollars and/or six months in jail. Life is good.
Now before you run right out and buy one of these (because there is nothing that even remotely compares to the fun you’ll have with a Money Shredding Alarm Clock), know that this is a concept-only gadget. The designer doesn’t know if it will be a great seller or not, thus there is no place to buy it. Yet. Apparently this alarm clock is being touted as one of the best ideas since sliced – not shredded – bread.
So you are stuck – at least for now – into using a regular, plain, old alarm clock. When it goes off in the morning, you can hit the snooze button if you want to – as many times as you want to. You can turn it off whenever you want to. It won’t shred your money, it doesn’t let you break the law, it just tries to get you up. What a bore. But don’t fret: When and if they do come out with the Money Shredding Alarm Clock, you can be the first in line to get one.
Assuming, of course, that you don’t get a job first.
Lori Cline, Phoenix Gadgets Examiner
Questions or comments? Email Lori at firstname.lastname@example.org.